“Until the death separates us”. We say about this phrase, entering into a relationship, we and millions of people everywhere in the world. And we believe in it. before the first meeting that puts our union into question. Many couples are separated not by death at all, but by betrayal. How to combine promises and desires, loyalty to another and oneself?
Change your husband or wife is unacceptable. This is a solid opinion of 63 % of Russians 1 . True, sociologists warn that the figure may not reflect the real state of affairs. Participants of surveys often give socially approved answers, instead of reporting their own opinion. But still the figure is impressive. And perhaps instructing optimism. Indeed, according to psychologists and sociologists, fidelity is the last bastion of the family institution in our usual sense.
Although this bastion no longer looks impregnable. Family for centuries has been built on a socio-economic foundation. And women had to turn a blind eye to the infidelity of the spouses so as not to lose their livelihoods. But the 20th century changed the situation: love is put at the forefront. Feeling and in itself changeable, especially in the era of consumption, when each advertising shield on every corner assures us that we deserve all the best. And it’s time to immediately get a new dress/phone/car – they are much better than the previous.
The language gives us out
They do not write about new partners on advertising shields, but the general logic is obvious. It would seem that the changes should affect the attitude to fidelity. Actually, this process is gradually taking place. “Fidelity is not what to ask,” 43-year-old Natalya, endocrinologist shrugs his shoulders. – The main thing is love. I never loved anyone except my husband. And everything else is not so important, and over the years you understand this more clearly. “.
However, this point of view is far from the “mainstream”. And the mainstream dictates the relationship already at the level of words that describes the infidelity. You just listen – a humiliating “cuckold”, a contemptuous “lover” or sounding as a verdict “treason”, for which the highest measure threatens. That is, the language persistently dictates to us the attitude to infidelity, regardless of what we ourselves think about it. And this attitude, if not justified, then in many ways understandable.
Symptom of all diseases
“Cheating is always a symptom. Symptom of relationships. People break out a vowel or unspoken contract that connects them with a partner, because he is not able to say that he is no longer suitable for them, ”said the psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer. There can be many reasons for this. “Lack of mutual recognition in the couple. Narcissistic expectation that the other should do everything good for me. False attitudes, as if, recognizing another person, we belittle ourselves. The struggle for power, recognition, leadership, ”the transactive analyst Vadim Petrovsky lists the transactive analyst.
Here you can also add a desire to get rid of routine, an attempt to attract the attention of a partner or avenge the lack of this attention, and love for extremes, circumstances of family history. In a word, there are many reasons, and the result is the same. However, no. It depends on what is considered the result.
Treason is not at all a point, the choice of “punctuation marks” is very large here. “For both the couple and for each of the partners, this test is akin to initiation,” said Fabien Kremer. And in order to pass it (with any outcome, whether it is transforming relationships or their ending), you need to come to a clear understanding of what happened and your relationship as a whole ”.
Vicious circle
“It seems to me that soon my wife will start a novel,” 48-year-old Nikolai, a teacher of art history smiles. – Our daughter has already grown up and lives separately, but he is not going to reward us with grandchildren yet. I myself, honestly, are no longer a young and ardent lover, and my wife will probably want to increase self -esteem on the side. “. He pronounces these words very calmly, it seems, almost wanting treason – which will return his wife her femininity.
“Inappropriation is almost always born from problems with attraction in a couple,” confirms Fabien Kremer. – For women, attraction is especially complicated matter: it is cyclical, changes throughout the month and throughout life. “. And the need to confirm your desire and femininity, of course, is great. Therefore, you should not talk about the “genetic inclination” of men to infidelity and about the role of the victim inevitable for women. Everything always depends on a person and on his ability – or inability – to understand himself and the one who is nearby.
And you can look for adventures as much as you like, take revenge or assert yourself on the side. But without an understanding of what is happening, we only increase the risk of “to encounter later with the collapse of relations,” Fabyen Kremer warns. – After all, infidelity not only works as a call to change his mind, it also closes a cycle that does not allow to meet face to face. And try to change something “.
Lucy Michaelyan, family psychologist-consultant, member of the International Association of Family Psychotherapists (IFTA)
Psychologies: Is it true that the very idea of the family is now experiencing a crisis?
Lucy Michaelyan: The crisis is experiencing the idea of monogamy. A big load falls on the relationship: I want one partner throughout life to be love, sex, and mutual interest. There are more freedom, and it is no longer placed in the previous framework. Therefore, the foundations of monogamy are now shaking – there are free relations and polyamoria: attempts to remove the restrictions of monogamy and get a bright, happy life.
And how great the chance to get it?
L. M.: Hard to say. Borders exist not only to prohibit something. They also create security. Take them off and you will receive new problems. It is believed that Russia gravitates to the traditional family model. And if a woman after 30 – well, after 35 – is still not married and has no children, then she is perceived by society as a loser. It’s hardly good. But take Europe – there is no this social pressure, and people, having a relationship, do not marry and do not start children. And as a result they turn out to be more lonely. The back of freedom.
Does polyamoria, open relationships and other models have a future?
L. M.: It all depends on specific people, on how much these models are suitable for them. As far as I know, these are not very stable designs. The life of several partners under one roof entails a “time management” of intimate relationships. Free model implies that some of the connections is more important than the rest. But an attempt to build trusting relationships, albeit in non -traditional models, is an attempt to initially healthy. Another thing is that someone may suit someone, but someone does not.
There would be no happiness ..
Vadim Petrovsky distinguishes destructive and constructive approaches in relation to treason. Destructive – not necessarily a gap, but also a hidden resentment and attempts every time to play the infidelity of a partner as a “trump card” in quarrels. Even if the partners remained together, this will not make their relationship harmonious and, most likely, will lead to the same inevitable parting.
Another option is constructive. “The situation of betrayal in a sense enables, allows you to make discoveries, – explains Vadim Petrovsky. -Firstly, you can find an amazing thing: your partner is another person. Not at all like you. Children’s fairy tales in which the man is a knight, and a woman a fabulous princess is still myths. We do not meet the completeness and coincidence of life lines or meet very rarely, and this is a miracle. These discoveries are sometimes made against the background of treason. “.
It turns out that oaths in eternal love that were given 30 years ago do not work anymore. We lose the illusions that dulled our vigilance and the ability to analyze each other in life. “And it turns out that you can behave more openly, discuss your problems, and not hide emotions under the carpet,” concludes Vadim Petrovsky. Of course, all this should not be considered as a call for treason. Rather-how to understand the advice of something important to yourself and your partner, if it happened. At the same time, observing a certain “safety precaution”.
Many family consultants urge to look for a share of their guilt in the betrayal of a partner. Vadim Petrovsky advises not to get very carried away by such searches. “We can say that by changing the partner compensates for the lack of something main in family life. But there is no need to build this thesis to the Absolute, ”he says. – If, say, the woman sees that the man “walks”, we must look for the reason not only in himself. There is also a family scenario: models of the behavior of the parents of this man who are now reproduced by him. It is important for a woman to learn lessons if she wants to maintain a relationship. But if she completely takes the blame on herself, she will provoke her husband for new betrayals “.
The family model is outdated?
“I think that last times have come for the idea of the family,” says philosopher Vincent Cespedes. – We want to drive passion into the old frames. But over time, dad ceases to make love with his mother, and watches porn on the Internet,
she starts a lover, lawyers come into business, and finally children have to drag from home to a house with a backpack. We must stop slipping this idea of youth!”
